If you’ve removed your shoes and are trying to calculate that Roman numeral, relax. And pull up a spoon.
Because CCCDIC = Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream.
Hey, the only rule in this game is What makes you happy? (And by ‘you’ I mean ‘me’.) Yesterday I gave you 30 years of Macintosh. Today, it’s a scoop (or four) of ice cream. What kind of ice cream? That’s right: chocolate chip cookie dough. Ben & Jerry’s is a particularly delish version. But they all work for me. Posh or not. In fact, tonight I’m enjoying the Safeway Select store brand. The verdict? Guilty! of murdering my taste buds with joy.
I almost chose my runner-up happiest thing of the day – which had been my happiest thing of the day until 9:32pm, when I remembered there was chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream in the freezer. That other happy thing occurred at one o’clock this morning, as I watched Netflix in bed.
“MITT” is a new political/anthropological documentary that spans not one, but two! failed Romney bids for the White House. Be still my heart. The Romney family gave some A/V geek total access (we even see Mittens in his hotel robe at one point, which is just gruesome) for six years of their political lives. Which just proves that they really have no idea what an unattractive bunch they are.
The film opens as it ends, with Klan Romney gathered in a hotel suite in Boston, watching the 2012 election returns. The camera never blinks as it pans the room from one stunned and saddened face to the next. Ann “You people” Romney never disappoints with the trademark death rictus affixed to her matronly mug. No explanation is given for HOW these 10 (20? 750 counting the grandkids?) people were the only ones left on Earth that night who did not know that Barack Obama was cruising to a big victory. Mitt Romney looks positively flummoxed and more than a little lost as CNN calls one toss-up state after another for Obama: Pennsylvania. Virginia. Colorado. Nevada. Wisconsin. Michigan. Ohio. “We’re up by 500 votes in Florida!” chirps one of the goofy-named sons. Tapp or Boff or Dikk or Fugg. Mitt considers that news for a moment, before his face falls. “Oh, that’s not good.” Really Einstein? This is the “brilliant captain of business” who was going to turn around the country?! “What do you think you say in a concession speech?” asks the now forever former Governor of Massachusetts… but no one is really paying attention to him anymore.
“So what do you think you say in a concession speech?” – Election Night 2012
And then the flick skips back to the family council in 2006 that voted to go for it in 2008. That ill-fated campaign can be summed up in two words: Crash. Burn. Which is ironic, since Romney was beaten to the nomination by Mr Crash & Burn himself, John McCain.
The bulk of this RomDoc is devoted to the ups and downs and downs of the 2012 campaign. (Note to progressives: make a double batch of extra buttery popcorn. This is what we live for.) We all know how it turned out. This country really dodged a bullet. And “MITT” inadvertently shows us why, as it fails almost totally in its obvious attempt to portray the Romneys as human beings. I mean, these people – and there are a LOT of them – can’t enter or leave a room without EVERYONE HUGGING EVERYONE ELSE! If you are a bellhop or campaign operative in the wrong place at the wrong time, you better check your wallet if you get out of that scrum alive!
Ann “You people” Romney
But there is no warmth. Because these are not warm-blooded mammals. They are mannequins. Plastic. Shiny. WHITE. Unlike his 1950s-era social hygiene mentality, Mitt’s joints don’t appear to be fully articulated – his arms falling dead at his sides whenever he stands. And as he is almost always clad in a dark suit, the only prop that seems to be missing is the coffin.
The few scenes where Mitt encounters actual people on the campaign trail, in a diner or a fast food joint (because that’s believable), the result is agonizing for all involved. It would be painful to watch – if it weren’t so fucking fabulous!
I would also like to point out, as an astute observer of GOP + Xian hypocrisy, that every hotel room and conference room and green room and padded room inhabited by Romneys was also always full of cases and cases of Diet Coke and Coke Zero. And not the caffeine-free varieties. Just sayin’. LDS Sin Squad – you’ve just made your monthly quota. You’re welcome.
In the end, this unintended mockumentary does have something for everyone. If you voted for Mitt, you’ll love “MITT”. You’ll tear up as you see these good, decent, hard-working, god-fearing, tax-avoiding centimillionaires sacrifice themselves for the good of Murrica… only to have the election stolen by that lying, scheming, cheating, community-organizing commie Kenyan in the White House who bought all those votes with promises of food stamps and Cadillacs to the 47%. Yup, you wuz robbed. Group hug. (Make sure your safeties are on.)
BUT… if you cry tears of joy and Schadenfreude to see phony, greedy, nasty, small-minded bigots get their comeuppance in the full glare of the tv lights, as well as behind the scenes in the innermost prayer circles and toboggan slopes of Romneyville… then Christmas came a little late this year. But here it is. Exclusively on Netflix. Search your inbox for the ubiquitous “Free One Month Netflix Trial” offer. Sign up. Click play. And don’t forget the ice cream.
Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream makes me happy.
Day 019 #100happydays
The End 